Breastfeeding Woes

At our first doctor visit on Monday, we found out that we had been starving you -literally! You both dropped about 18% of your body weight and had developed jaundice.

Let's back up the story a bit: you were champs at breast-feeding. I was not. You latched well, you tried to eat, but you got very frustrated, understandably so, when you didn't get what you deserved. I will NEVER forget SWEATING PROFUSELY as your daddy and I attempted a double latch in our bedroom in the glider with you both screaming for food while both sets of your grandparents peered in from the doorway/tried to help. I had lost all sense of privacy, but was still humiliated. I tucked you both back in a football hold-- Charlotte sucking hard and fast, Olivia struggling to stay awake, gently nibbling and not swallowing. Still- it ended in screaming.

You were admitted back to the hospital :( That's when my waterworks really started. REALLY, really flowed. You were so dehydrated that they couldn't get your IVs started. When they told me that you had to be admitted, my first tears came at the thought of you getting an IV in your head, which is what ended up happening to the both of you. Awful. Heart-wrenching. They tried about 5 times on each of you. The final placement was in Olivia's head and Charlotte's foot (after a successful attempt went bad on your head). Awful. 

We were there for 2 full (beautiful outside sunny) days. The pediatrician made me stop trying to breastfeed you every time so that I could sleep. I hadn't slept more than an hour at a time for at least 2 days. My production was down as a result, so she ordered me to eat, sleep and pump as you laid in your little incubator. I was relieved and terribly upset all at the same time. (And don't forget- I'm still healing too.)

Because we have to monitor how much milk you're actually getting, I have to continue to pump and feed you via bottle. I find it so much easier and less stressful!!!!!!!!  However, I am missing actually feeding you from my breast. It feels like I've known you forever already. 

Olivia Charlotte

Charlotte

We ate and slept well. I will be complaining to the hospital that the lactation consultant scared me so badly to supplement that this ended up happening. I have to take some responsibility, but it's why we didn't give them any formula. She never showed up to "consult" either. Poor.

Emotional Overload

When you were born, I was so..... overwhelmed. Was I happy? Of course! Did I love you from the first moment I heard you/saw you/held you? You bet! But my emotions were so plentiful and I was is such a complete state of disbelief that I really couldn't feel anything at all. I think they call it shock. So, I breastfed away as Daddy shed his tears of joy those first few moments of your life. It was the first time I had ever seen him cry. I was moved, but it was just another emotion I didn't know how to feel just then.

I had my first tears when Daddy surprised me with a push present for each of you: a diamond earring for each ear! These came on Thursday night in a moment of quite sleep for you and peaceful moment for us. He is such a wonderful husband and such a great Daddy- we are so blessed!! We had been through so much to have you, and some of my emotions finally just bubbled up. However, I still didn't know how to deal with all that I was feeling: joy, shock, exhaustion, fear, relief....

That dazed state continued through the first few days, especially at home. Grandma Knapke was there the entire time (THANK GOD!) and I was rushed between trying to feed you, pumping, eating oatmeal and drinking milkmaid tea, and trying to rest. No one let me do much else, as I was still healing from the c-section and my iron deficiency (I hemorrhaged after the birth). 

So, my real, true, stop-my-heart-I-can't-take-it-all emotions were yet to come. 

We're Home!

We came home on Saturday, August 18th. How nerve-wrecking to drive with you for the first time! Your Grandma and Grandpa Knapke were in town waiting for you to come home - it was Grandma's 60th Birthday! Your Nana and Papa and Aunt Rachel joined us for a celebration! 

We went to "bed" unsuspecting that you'd scream at us ALL NIGHT LONG. Aunt Megan and Uncle Doug came on Sunday to meet you, and though you were good all day, you screamed at us again ALL NIGHT LONG. I will never forget swaying you back and forth, pacing our bedroom, teaching Daddy how to sway you and starting the blow dryer to soothe you. Grandma suggested giving you some formula, as I was breastfeeding and my milk had yet to come in. When I told her we didn't have any formula, she spat, "YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FORMULA?!??!"  Daddy went to Meijer at 4am. I've never seen babies suck down 2 ounces so fast. You were simply starving. :( My heart broke a little.

They're Here!

Our lives were forever changed on August 15th, 2012...

Charlotte Rose: 7 lbs 13 oz, 21" long, born at 1:49pm
Olivia Lynn: 6 lbs 3 oz, 21" long, born at 1:52pm

Charlotte Olivia

Charlotte Olivia

CharlotteOlivia

Olivia Charlotte

We went in for a normal doctor appointment on Monday, August 13th. I was so swollen and so, so miserable. I was hoping so badly that the doctor would tell me that we couldn't wait another week (we were to induce if you didn't come by August 21st - at least in my mind). My blood pressure was way up (145/91) so Dr. Milo decided it was time. Just like that, they wheeled me directly over to Labor and Delivery! It all happened so fast, and we were so excited and though we thought maybe it would be that day, we were still in disbelief! 

As it turned out, 2 days of Pitocin (and 2 hours of hallucinating on Stadol!) and contractions couldn't dislodge your heads, so you were delivered via Cesarean Section on a beautiful Wednesday afternoon.  

Life as we knew it would NEVER be the same! 

Growing and Growing!

I will start this blog with the end of my pregnancy :) It was a very healthy pregnancy! What do I say about growing TWO babies inside me for 37 weeks and counting??

--It was so long!  I knew you from the moment of conception, and I feel like I've waited 35 years to meet my babies. I just CAN'T WAIT to find out who you are! Are you a boy or a girl?? what will you look like?? when will you arrive?? I just don't think I can wait another moment to meet you!
-- I craved sweets the entire time! I couldn't get enough of frozen cherries, popsicles & custard ice cream. That might be why I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes.
-- Though I've gained almost 50 pounds since you were conceived, and 65 pounds since I started the hormones, I don't feel like I got THAT huge. I mean, I'm having twins, right?
-- You hurt. Man, do you hurt me!! I can't sit, I can't lay, I can't sleep, I can't rest, I can't walk, I can't use my hands. What the heck should I do?? Misery.... I switch between the kitchen chair, the couch (propped with pillows or laying on an ice pack) and the exercise ball. Baby B ROLLS up in my ribs and Baby A just kicks me in the ribs. I can't explain how much you just simply HURT me.
-- Poor Daddy.
-- Poor my feet. Poor my hands.
-- I cry. I cry myself to sleep with ice packs and heating pads. It just hurts.

Progression from the side:

 @ 32 weeks

Progression from the front: